Suckey form 4

Well.. waht can i say about form 4.. its reli..reli hard.. wayy harder than anything i hav done before.. i have 2 learn to study everyday n finish my homework.. i seriously do not know how ppl can actually get 21 DARN A's!!!! i only have 10 subjects n im like sinking like the titanic ship already.. anf its only the begining of the year.. I actaually broke down in class today. anf ppl hu know me know i dun break down easily.. i was doin add math n i didnt seem 2 get a thing.. n my bm suckz.. n my physics.. i dun even know wat da teacher is teaching... chemistry is simple bt it dosent wana stay in my head.. lets not start abt bio.. gt a crappy teacher hu hates us like crap.. n i cant seem 2 get anything into my head.. im like freaking out here.. when i see students like anthea n pavitira.. they seem like they know everythig that they are doing.. it seems like its so easy 4 them.. when i seem them i feel like i dun fit in.. every1 is so hardworking.. i wana ask my mum 2 get me sum more tutuion.. mayb a private 1.. well i kno its expensive bt i need like real tution 4 like mayb a few months 4 me 2 get the momentum.. once i have it i can juz go on.. im like so stressed out rite now.. im like crashing.. i hav a play this friday.. i have 2 memorize my oral..bm project.. my bible class.. this stupid sickening perv fcker dat calles me every nite.. (need a new plan 2 get rid of him) GOD HELP ME!!! i feel like i seriously need a break.. like 3 dayz 2 nites will do.. juz go 2 mayb frasers hill or camerons.. stay thr alone.. away frm hp/internet.. juz some alone time.. where i wana do sum meditation.. helps me calm down.. go 4 a swim/jog/hike ect.. do sum studying.. well i seem 2 b losing hope.. bt if i dun buck up now.. im gonna loose it.. a part of me goes like "edna if they can do it why cant you?" "edna dun give up hope" "edna u have 2 change yourself 2 make a difference" "if u want a bright future.. juz hold on to it 4 just 2 yrs" " two yrs is nth compared 2 all da yrs in da future" "juz put a bit more of effort" well datz da motivating part of me.. da otha part goes like "edna ur such a failure.. you cant even cope with such little things" "ur a looser" "ur so stupid" "duno y u even live.. cause ppl lots of trouble oni.. better go die.. no use aso u live" well datz da negative side of me... once i even tried to cut my wrist.. bt then i taught my mum will kill me if she saw it.. so i taught cut my thigh laa.. cannot c.. wear longer pants.. i took de knife.. i know it will hurt.. so i juz imagined all de pain ect ect.. like i actually did it bt i didnt.. cuz thn will leave an ugly mark thr.. hehe not nice if i wear anything short.. xD